Sunday, July 30, 2006
tongue-tied.
there are many times that one feels the need to comfort another, yet can't seem to find the right words to say it.. and that just leaves one feeling pretty much defeated. sounds familiar? hurr. happens to me quite often.
anyway. it's been a while since i've had a proper conversation with you. everytime i tell myself to try it seems as though 1) there's nothing much to say anyway, 2) you're always busy with other things/other people or 3) you aren't really interested in what i have to say anyway. i can't really say it's driving me nuts, cuz i'm kinda resigned to it already. but i guess it's quite a sad situation isn't it. from my point of view anyway. maybe everything i believed in was just some self-delusional fantasy. it's really beginning to sound that way.
oh man. that was really really angsty. laughably angsty. but it kinda fits in, considering what my class seems to have turned into these few weeks. hurr. bunch of angst-ridden teenagers. not a very pretty sight.
stained with coffee at 12:29 PM
Thursday, July 27, 2006
the (non)science of human emotions.
was just thinking about whao's "theories".. and had a really weird reaction. hurr.
i mean. all that nonsense about elastic and inelastic collisions, rel. speed of approach/seperation, free radicals and halogenation and all that..
in the end you realise that science is science. and matters of the heart are matters of the heart. you can't chuck kinematics and chem together any more than you can chuck science in with feelings.
oh well. just some random transient thoughts. i seem to be missing some already but that's the way thoughts are i guess.
stained with coffee at 10:41 PM
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
reach for the stars
actually read my blog caption today. well i guess some stars are just never meant to be reached. by me anyway. so why can't i just be content?
stained with coffee at 11:45 PM
Monday, July 24, 2006
now i'm banging on the door of an angel.
just a thought.. why is it that we can feel disappointed and dejected that something doesn't happen, when we knew from the start it would never turn out the way we hoped for anyway? hope can be such a wonderful and painful thing. oh well.
stained with coffee at 12:56 AM
Saturday, July 22, 2006
100!
yeah i took a really long time to hit 100 posts didn't i. hurr. anyway i notice i haven't blogged much besides song lyrics and quotes recently. so i'll try to blog properly.
seems like i've been fluctuating between 7 and 17 recently.. between immaturity and less immaturity. i think av said that i sometimes act 27? i don't know. seems like that bit of me has gone into hibernation or something.
i think its really strange some of the moods that i go through everyday. i mean. so many different emotions triggered by the same thing. and well. it's just odd. that you can feel so many different and sometimes conflicting things for one thing alone. well that didn't really make sense did it.
finally went back for the catholic morning meetings on thurs after my jaunt to alaska, as jarrod put it. i told him that it was actually the north pole. oh well. anyway we did the sacredspace thing, and the verse was matthew 11: 28-30.. i guess it really means a lot to me now, esp since i'm like. facing a somewhat difficult period now, relationship/work/cca wise. and struggling to find myself i guess, after that strange week of disillusionment that i had (and that bus ride with av that i'll be totally thankful for). it said a lot to me, about always being able to let go and let God.. and when the going gets tough you know that he'll always be there for you. so yeah. quite encouraging.
think another point that jarrod brought up was that situations become easier when you stop trying to use your own imperfect love, and just let God's love flow through you instead.. and that made a lot of sense to me that day. and i guess i'll try to remind myself everyday to do that, especially when i feel that i can't seem to love anyone anymore.
spent some time today with my parents. went for supper after my prayer meeting.. i think i really don't spend enough time with them.. for goodness sakes i don't even know what they're doing now.. except that my mum is doing 3 part-time jobs for 2 months. i don't know what my father does except that he does housework at night.. and i don't think they know much about me either. well this month is supposed to be family awareness month, at least for my parish.. so i think it's really time that i get to know them better.. i mean i might not get so close to them as to end up telling them all my woes and all my girl problems (theoretical, of course =P) and everything.. but i just wanna get to know them again, and to be able to see someone more than just "my mother/father the stranger" at home.
i think all the problems came in about sec 1/2, when i started becoming awfully rebellious for whatever strange reasons that teenagers have for doing such things.. peer influence or whatever. and then we really really drifted apart until like. the end of last year? when i decided that i should really stop being so horrible.. but it's been quite hard, to be honest, to really love them the way God wants me to. and i'm sure i still fail almost everyday. but i just hope that God will continue to guide me through and i'll be able to get close to my parents again. yay.
okay i'm like doing a reflection on my life here. there's still a lot to think about larh, and i guess i have so much time to myself sometimes.. i should just think about all these things and sort myself out? instead of stoning around and imagining/getting depressed over totally unlikely situations. haha. i guess that's something i still gotta learn. time management. erm. but that's a little off the topic for today. haha.
oh and i'm just having a slight headache now. cuz i was looking through the tour vids for possible footage to use, and i realise reggie can't shoot video for nuts (i'm sorry reggie, but seriously, it's not like shooting a photo.. your shutter speed isn't in fractions of milliseconds). so yeah. get a tripod next time or something :PP okay that's all from me on my 100th post ^.^ cya next time. haha.
stained with coffee at 12:03 AM
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Ragdoll
How ya feelin'?
The day has had its way with both of us
And oh, I've gone out of my way
But I'm not free
From this pain I'm feeling
I was a fool to think someday
You would come around
But no, no, no
I'm not thinking that way
'Cause now i see
You are not what you seem
You are a mystery to me
Sometimes I just want to scream
I think you should just go away 'cause
There's no necessity for you to stay and
Next time you come around my way
Forget it baby
You're not comin' in
How's your day been?
'Cause mine has taken strange and ugly turns
But no, no, no
I feel better today
Because I'm off my knees
You are not what you seem
You are a mystery to me
Sometimes I just want to scream
I think you should just go away 'cause
There's no necessity for you to stay and
Next time you come around my way
Forget it baby
You're not comin' in
A heart ready for a life of sorrow
No you can't come back tomorrow
Shut my windows
Lock my doors
'Cause my heart won't be your ragdoll anymore
I think you should just go away 'cause
There's no necessity for you to stay and
Next time you come around my way
Forget it baby
You're not comin' in
A heart ready for a life of sorrow
No you can't come back tomorrow
Shut my windows
Lock my doors
'Cause my heart won't be your ragdoll anymore
'Cause my heart won't be your ragdoll anymore
its time to take control of my life back.
stained with coffee at 11:39 PM
Monday, July 17, 2006
sometimes i wish you'd just go.
i realise that i don't know enough songs. cuz whenever i wanna emo out on my guit it seems that i play the same few songs over and over again everytime i pick it up. which is really quite >.< i really need to find more songs to express myself. haha.
anyway, just some interesting quotes from physics tutorial last week by mrs lim. wanted to post them up earlier but was too lazy.
"x is not x; x is x not."
(explanation of displacement and amplitude for oscillations)
"The phase angle shows the position of the body at the
beginning of time."
(wow. like you mean just when the big bang happened?)
okay somehow they aren't really funny anymore. oh well.
stained with coffee at 11:07 PM
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
what is maturity?
what is this strange obscure yardstick that we seem to measure ourselves by? and how do we really know when we get there? is it a ticket to anywhere at all? does it give some sort of status? just a question i haven't really bothered asking myself for a long long while. but i thought maybe i'd try again. since evidently, i seem to think i've been acting rather immaturely for the past 4 months or so. just looked around the internet for a little inspiring messages and here's what i found (from
www.storybin.com:
"Maturity is the ability to control anger and settle differences without violence or destruction. Maturity is patience. It is the willingness to pass up immediate pleasure in favor of the long-term gain. Maturity is perseverance, the ability to sweat out a project or a situation in spite of heavy opposition and discouraging set-backs. Maturity is the capacity to face unpleasantness and frustration, discomfort and defeat, without complaint or collapse. Maturity is humility. It is being big enough to say, "I was wrong." And, when right, the mature person need not experience the satisfaction of saying, "I told you so."
Maturity is the ability to make a decision and stand by it. The immature spend their lives exploring endless possibilities; then they do nothing.
Maturity means dependability, keeping one's word, coming through in a crisis. The immature are masters of the alibi. They are the confused and the disorganized. Their lives are a maze of broken promises, former friends, unfinished business, and good intentions that somehow never materialize.
Maturity is the art of living in peace with that which we cannot change, the courage to change that which should be changed -- and the wisdom to know the difference."pretty accurate.
stained with coffee at 11:30 PM
end.
i'm sick of all this nonsense. its just a waste of my time. time that i can't afford to lose. i thought this time it might be different, but i guess i just haven't grown up yet. i'm still the same old childish, immature, unenlightened me.
but seriously, it's time to stop.
stained with coffee at 7:55 PM
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
You..
attract me confound me
amaze me and torment me
draw me in, spit me out
set me afire and drown me
and like a rapid river
fast flowing, you
sweep me away all
cold wet confused through
mud slime and clear crystal waterfalls
and after every emotion is spent
i find myself in uncharted waters --
with you.
stained with coffee at 9:55 PM
Sunday, July 02, 2006
cannonball
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
Still I can't say what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO me
So close that I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
well i don't know anything.
stained with coffee at 12:15 PM
