Thursday, September 29, 2005
why all the sadness and depression?
yeah, life's been hard on a whole lot of poeople recently, it seems. and i really just feel like comforting some people. really. but it just seems so pointless saying all those trite things about how life isn't always so bad and how you should really buck up and all cuz there's so much more to life. 1) i always come off wrongly when i try to say that, 2) i can't say that kinda thing without ending up feeling slightly silly cuz i totally flunk the lines up, and 3) it just doesn't seem to help any.
so anyway, i can't really run away from all this anyway, with it all around me and such. and it really got me depressed too. so well. i ended up writing this poem, and well, maybe it isn't really good or anything but yeah.
The Play
The lights go dim, the curtains fall,
But i sit alone in the empty hall.
The show is over, the last act done,
Yet to the exit i do not crawl.
In the shadow'd seat i remain,
In the emptiness, like a stain.
What turmoil left me there within?
What turmoil? No, just the pain.
The play was fair enough, it was,
One which garnered much applause.
Yet though the actions i did go through,
True feelings could not at my doorstep pause.
For from the start until the ending,
The seat beside me remained sadly wanting.
stained with coffee at 7:40 PM
Gordon the anarchist.
we (4Q) have been hearing much of gordon's anti-establishment invective etc etc for almost two years now. and since we're doing governance for philo now, i would like to try and classify him.
whatever he says about standing up for democracy, our rights etc, it seems more to me that he is, in fact, an opponent of democracy. Evidently, he only believes in getting his rights as a human being.. to do this to do that and to hell with the greater good. and, if you really notice (however relevant this may be), he always claims he's right, and never wrong.
so in the end, i notice that what he advocates really has much in common with anarchy. anarchy states that each man is allowed his rights, and the only thing that he does is to improve himself, whether or not he steps on otehr people's toes to do so. well, gordon really seems to be there. after all, he wants his rights, doesn't he, and to hell with the other people. the "me against the world" attitude, where he's practically fighting with everyone also reflects the "each individual for himself" kind of attitude which anarchists take. of course his slamming of the government [which really happens practically everyday] equates to the anarchist's opposition to any form of rule or dominion.
okay this isn't really a flame gordon session or anything. so i'll just leave it there. but it is kinda interesting. to me anw. and ironically funny.
stained with coffee at 3:42 PM
Monday, September 26, 2005
3 months.
hmmm. i believe i saw the nicely-built cat today. i must say it was quite nicely built. not scrawny or anything. cute. quite friendly too. it didn't freak out and start running away from me the way cats do. or maybe it just ate or something so it was feeling too tired to bother. anw i don't think i exhibited any hostile intentions towards it.
physix mag ship was crazy. finished the report like. 330 yesterday. quite bomb. i feel satisfied yet unsatisfied. satisfied that i haven't lost my touch with last-minute late night assignment fragging, unsatisfied that i could have actually put a little more effort into it instead of doing last-minute late-night assignment fragging.
today was my second-last choir practice of the year with RV. was quite normal, didn't think much about it. but now, it seems quite sad. i mean. after 4 years (well 3 actually, sec 1 doesn't count) it really seems like a chapter of my life is just going to close like that. and i just wish it didn't seem so full of unfinished business, so much regret.. there's just seems to be too much that i wasn't able to do, too much that should have been done but wasn't.. but then in life we always have to compromise, don't we? we always have to sacrifice some commitments for others.. and in the end you realise that you just have to reconcile yourself to these. after 4 years, and there's just 1 practice left. i wonder whether i have left anything behind, anything good that other people will remember me for. and i wonder if i have ever left a lasting impact on anyone.
the same goes for secondary school life.. in 3 months the inexorable advancement of time will just shut the door on it, leaving me to peek through the key-hole, to reminisce about the things that i did or did not do.. just three months left, and a chapter that is in an even more terrible state than the other would be closed. what can i do in three months to lessen my anguish and feeling of regret?
perhaps i shouldn't think about it that way. after all, shouldn't we look forward, into the new corridor which we have entered into, instead of always trying to go back to where we came from? it's a whole new chapter to write, a blank page, pristine and white, just waiting for an eager author to cover it with his experiences.
but that's just so far away..
stained with coffee at 10:40 PM
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
[wu2 ti2]
just a little publicity. please visit
wen hao's blog. it's a great place to destress and tickle your funny bone whenever you feel out of sorts or depressed or just bored. yep.
i notice that the more work one has to do, the less time one actually spends on work. instead, one tries to get one's mind off work and ends up doing other things. such as blogging. such as stoning around. such as stoning around wishing that one had less work to do. which really leads on to no work getting done, more work piling up and yada yada and either you go crazy, sick or start thinking in really weird ways. first hand experience.
sad life. one does, of course, need to de-stress, and stoning is really quite good. but stoning in the wrong state of mind gets one nowhere. one has to feel completely relaxed when stoning for it to work. if there's some heavy cloud of unfulfilled responsibility hanging around, you can't get de-stressed.
okay i don't know where this post is going. you can see the manifestation of consequence 3 of too much work at work now. (try reading the sentence a few times if it doesn't make sense. it will after that.)
well.
stained with coffee at 10:20 PM
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
three!
three posts. i'm on a roll here. actually i'm supposed to be doing my geog presentation/video thing, but i guess i'm procrastinating again. and since my mom's watching tv outside i can't play the piano and i find myself on my blog. isn't that interesting.
i feel like i've rediscovered my love for new age music. for secret garden at any rate. and yes i still think once in a red moon is their best album.
french lesson today was sort of interesting, the last part most of all heh. cuz the teacher was practicing the conversation part of the oral assessment.. the following is an excerpt, translated into english..
Teacher: What would you like to be in the future?
Student: A teacher, like you.
Teacher: Why?
Student: Because you are such a good teacher.. (and would have continued to flatter the teacher more if the teacher hadn't stepped in and said..)
Teacher (in english/chinese): You don't need to pai1 ma3 pi4 (wow. multilingual lesson!), it won't help your grades.
following which, we had.. (a different student)
Teacher: What are your views on the Singaporean education system?
Student: I think the system is very good.
Teacher: Why?
Student: Because the teachers are very efficient..
Teacher (interrupting in english): That doesn't answer the question..
Student: Um. Because the system is very efficient, we learn a lot, the teachers are very efficient and teach a lot..
Teacher: *exasperated expression*
Evidently, we all believe in "pai1 ma3 pi4".
stained with coffee at 8:26 PM
Monday, September 19, 2005
a consecutive post!
two posts in a row. hoho. isn't that cool. one in the wee hours of the morning and one at the closing of the day. speaking of the closing of the day, i keep remembering the quote.. well okay i can't remember it now. But i do remember the book,
The Remains of the Day by
Kazuo Ishiguro. So if you need something to read in your spare time ^^".
today was a rather humourous day. but it ended a little unfairly. hmph. or maybe it was meant to happen. anw. i usually think of chinese periods as sleeping time, and we even had TWO periods today. but it ended up becoming some sort of mini-entertainment session, thanx to liben. i can't blog in chinese. what a waste. it won't be funny if i translate it. ee. so can't say much. anw thanx to him we really got to know a whole lot of sayings by confuscius (do i spell it that way?).. the ones never taught in class.. like how "fish meat tastes the best, and abalone especially" OO". anw.
choir was interesting. i mean. it's interesting just being a normal member, and not some all-important vc or anything who has to run around and take down announcements, check attendance etc etc. so much less to do. but still had to continue the SL training. but that wasn't too bad.
wanted to do some work before going home so went to S-11 to eat dinner before proceeding to macs. to try to mug. anw i think i saw someone i met and talked to at the bus stop in front of my school like. last year. but it's not like i really enjoyed his company or anything, so i didn't go and verify if he was indeed that guy.
i think the ban mian auntie is overworked. i ordered you mian, the auntie taking orders told the auntie cooking you mian. but it came out ban mian. oO" anw i was gracious enough to just take the ban mian. i mean i'm the customer and i'm right and all and i can demand a change but create all the fuss for what? and make them waste one bowl of ban mian for what? my mom would probably have made a big hoo-ha but in the end you realise it doesn't really help anyone. you just end up with a bad reputation and the aunties just end up in bad moods.
after that went to macs but 15 min into my session i get an sms asking me to come online to discuss the satirical poem. ><" and i specifically told myself that i'd leave at 9, no later. ><" talk about other people ruining your plans. anw it wasn't that bad larh. maybe blessing in disguise or what. we managed to finish our poem in one night, with much contributions by me! ok i shouldn't say taht. it was more of. building on others' ideas. which rawks.
so one day ends. it's 1135 now. i wonder if i can squeeze in some piano practice. it seems to have gotten me hooked. piano that is. but i'll need to put on the mute pedal. i think the mute pedal is both good and bad. oh well.
we'll see.
stained with coffee at 11:06 PM
musings.
i think it's quite sad that my life experiences seem limited to only what i experience in school. life seems like an endless cycle from school to home and then back to school again, 6 days a week, and sunday is just a day which is wasted away because you're just too zonked out to do anything else, and then you go to sleep on sunday night feeling guilty that you haven't really done anything, and dreading the stupid school-home cycle again.
perhaps i'm just to tired everyday, maybe i've bitten off more than i can chew, really. trying to finish of this huge load of commitments has taken up so much of my time and effort that i cannot even spare a few moments to notice anything else around me, let alone actually chill out for a while.
so after 15 terms and a week, perhaps i really should think a little more about the simple pleasures that one can enjoy. after all, isn't there so much more to life?
stained with coffee at 4:44 AM
Monday, September 12, 2005
><"
well. i sort of logged in to my accout about 45 min ago to blog about stuff. but i ended up being dragged off to do RV stuff. which is quite time consuming and mundane but somewhat satisfying. (if you really want to know i'm printing certs for AGM.) well. so now i'm printing certs, listening to choral music (current track is the "suite de lorca" i think. performed by Girls' JC Chorus in 2004 SYF) and blogging.
just a random thought before i start about sept hols and the silly HCL prelims. i think that the "suite de lorca" done by RJ Chorale sounds nicer. fuller. but they only did movement 1 and 3. so. anw.
sept hols nothing much happened i suppose. i mean. if you spend the whole holiday trying to clear all the backlogs of attendance that you didn't bother to compile for the whole of this year and then mugging your rear end off for HCL prelims, then there isn't really much that happened. sure it was a hectic week, but uninteresting. but at least you feel some sort of satisfaction in knowing you cleared some really really overdue stuff. haha.
which brings me to the HCL prelims. [let me take a break and print some certs.]
ok. we're now on "mate saule" by some latvian choir. anw. HCL prelims really just confirmed the fact that i wasted most of my holiday mugging for something that didn't need mugging. i mean. if you knew all the answers to all the questions in the first 3 sections (the only part that you can mug for) even BEFORE you started mugging, then the mugging hasn't really done much good has it. and to think that i was still feeling so totally unprepared 5 min before paper II started.
ok larh. can't really say that. maybe it'll help my in my O's. cuz i now have supreme confidence in my ability to remember most of sec 3 work. and sec 4 work. so i don't really need to mug so much anymore. but still! the hols could have been used for other subjects! ok nvm. shall stop.
about the paper itself. [let me take another moment for my certs..] ah. "soleram" by ACJC choir. can't really make out the lyrics [except for all the "soleram soleram"] but it sounds malay for some reason.
anw. the paper. um. the paper itself was quite odd i suppose. i mean. the killer parts that usually terrify me were quite easy. and i even managed to use some "ming2 yan2 ming2 ju4" in my zuo4 wen2. isn't that cool. haha. i suppose all the wei lao3 shi1's notes are quite good. too bad i didn't get her for the whole year. but chang2 wen2 suo1 duan3 was surprisingly easy. but the usual zong1 he2 tian2 kong4 was just weird, and so was the li2 jie3. which had some easy crap questions and some really weird ones. anw overall i think i can do well for this paper! yay! rarr. which is really more than i can say for all other HCL papers i've taken these few years.
hmm. what else is there to talk about. well. did go to mos with pay lossy VD klim and ian wern. i shall vow never to go to mos anymore. i mean. it's ridiculously ex, the food isnt' really that good (and is in really tiny portions). aside from the ambience i suppose, everything else sux ><".
even the view. okay nobody heard/saw/whatever that.
came home and quite wasted the day away. so sian. there's always work to do. like. rarr. and there's CTs in like. one month. and crazy projects and stuff. i mean. try creating a magnetic ship that can travel 5cm over water. that's 30% of physics CA?! whee. i mean. it seems fun larh. but i envision much trouble and much frustration. hmm. kan3 ke4 is the word i think. ok nvm. still in chinese overdrive.
wonderful.
stained with coffee at 8:21 PM
