Friday, October 28, 2005
i'm lying to myself almost everyday. why can't i just drop it.stained with coffee at 9:03 PM
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
yepp it's that time of the year again, when the CTs come back and the little red numbers come and haunt us. and really, the trend doesn't seem to have changed. it's always disappointment after disappointment. really. and sometimes i just wonder, why do we all allow numbers on a little piece of paper determine what we're worth? not only us, but everyone around us as well. and in the end, getting a higher number seems to make you so superior, like you struck 4D or some shit like that, never mind how you got there, whether you sacrificed your social life, you dissed your friends, whether you lost out on everything else life has to offer.. just for those little red numbers.and yeah. the only decent number i have today ls 42. which was for physics. and everything else (currently) has just gone to hell. and it really has me reconsidering my course options for next year. i mean, if we're seriously so far away from a decent showing in that subject, is there really a point in taking it for the next two years, at a much higher level than it is now? should i really let the little red numbers dictate the course of my life, or should i just take what i want to, and to hell with the grades? i seriously need divine help here.
which brings me on to next bad point of the day, which was the screwed-up chorale auditions. well, the auditions were fine, i'm the one that's screwed-up. which is sad. i hate looking like someone who doesn't really give a shit about anything. which is the feeling i think i gave today. it kinda reminds me of interviews last year for exco positions, which i really messed up as well. but this time it isn't cuz i don't care(i cared about interviews k. just not really that much), it's just cuz i'm too nervous (always the case) or whatever, and so end of story. anyway its pissifying.
and then during french was the saddest saddest thing. well firstly there's one person left in my class, which is me. cuz i'm the only one doing DELF. and my poor teacher must be wondering "what the hell is he thinking, taking DELF? he might as well go spend the $65 on something else more worthwhile, like french tuition or some shit." well basically we had (well fine, i had) a trial of the paper. and i'm like wtf. ok so the listening comprehension and the written compre is still okay, cuz i can guess a little and lift the rest from the passage. can't say much about the listening cuz it was the teacher reading and not the tape and i think the teacher was reading quite slowly. anw. oral is like some bomb shit, and i think i'm gonna totally screw it up. which i did today larh. of course. role-playing. like wtf. and then there's the 3-minute give-your-opinion speech thing. which is basically french version of the zuo wen, just spoken. and you have 10 min to prep. i think i'm screwed. seriously. and yep. the $65 should have gone elsewhere.
and now, thanx to mdm wei ling's bomb load of tian2 xie3 han4 zi4, i realise that i have forgotten most of my chinese words. when the o's are next monday. i'm f***ed. really f***ed.
anw, xavier's blog is really stress-reliever. well. just a quote. "... i will lmao into ur face." try and imagine that rear being shoved into your face. unthinkable. disgusting. unthinkably disgusting. but really. if it happens to someone i think i'll end up laughing.
well, everyone's a little sadistic sometimes.
stained with coffee at 10:29 PM
Monday, October 24, 2005
well well. i think interclass soccer has inspired me. or maybe its just cuz i can't sleep. anw i watched my first full-time soccer match since like. how long ago. chelsea v. everton. quite sad. i still think chelsea should have won. first points dropped since the start of the season. well good job everton. haha. bottom of the table but the way they play, doesn't seem that way.rafael nadal has come back from 2 sets down to draw level. currently serving at 3-4 in the 5th set in the madrid masters. sadly i have to rely on the website for the live scores.. thanx to EPL action star sports has suspended the telecast. how evil can that be.
haven't done anything useful this weekend. which is really scaring the shit out of me. i mean. HCL o's are next monday.. 7 days left and i'm still so bochup. really really scary. hopefully i can get into the groove during the week. which is, i hope, not too little too late. which really has been the story of my life. all effort put in too little too late. (oh great. from 40-15 to deuce. this is bad.) i guess that's the saddest thing about school ending. really, just looking back on the four years, it's always full of last-minute rushing, never anything properly done. and that's y there's always so much regret.. because almost everything i've done has not been my best. definitely not. (4-4! arr. go nadal.)
and really, trying to sqeeze something extra out of my 4 years now really will just serve to underline my point. it's quite depressing, really. looking back, seeing the things that i wanted to do, and because of all the time-wasting (on what, i have no idea), nothing gets done. (nooo!! 4-5.) sadly, i realise all the time has gone into really useless, evil things. and that's just. sad. really. and maybe the next two years will be different, maybe not. hopefully it will. oh well.
we shall see.
stained with coffee at 1:04 AM
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
my dream car. yep. here it is. for the moment at any rate. haha. the Jaguar XK Coupe. quite cool. i can't decide on the colour though. either dark red or black. it looks deadly. haha. anw. i don't know why i'm doing all this wuliao stuff (i actually spent like 45 min looking around the site and checking out the car lolx) in the middle of CTs but heck.
long live dreams.
stained with coffee at 1:19 AM
Friday, October 14, 2005
hmmm. been trying to write more stuff these days. i seem very inspired to write poems. must be all the lit CT prep we've been doing in class (we had 4 periods of lit in as many days!). or maybe earlier. since my research on ella wheeler wilcox. anyway. everything seems so sub-standard and boring. so they're all abandoned halfway or left unpublished. well unpublished as in i don't like them so i just chuck them aside. will see how this goes on. hmm.anw. some interesting things i observed these few days. well one interesting and one morbid. yesterday while taking the MRT back from simei after my checkup at CGH i noticed two girls walking with their shirts untucked, and right at the bottom of their shirts printed in BIG RED CAPITAL LETTERS was the manufacturing company and their address. what a statement. of course if they had tucked in their shirts i wouldn't have noticed anything. so anw it seems like a good idea to prevent posers from tucking out shirts. i mean, you don't really look very poser with an advertisment for a clothing company so blatantly posted at your posterior.
today while coming home on the mrt again i saw this ad about "become a clinical research volunteer". which is really just a human test subject. applicants had to be between 21 and 55 and not have a history of chronic illness or be on long-term medication. which probably means that whatever they're doing to you is probably going to make you sick. which is really silly. i wonder if they get any people signing up for such dumb jobs. and i wonder if "clinical research volunteer" is listed in the government's list of jobs which are available but which singaporeans are too proud to take up. too common-sensical, more like.
stained with coffee at 6:46 PM
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
idealism i hate doing rush work. there's always a certain standard which all work should be at, but i always come away unsatisfied everytime almost any assignment is done. it never ever reaches the perfect standard which i want it to be at. maybe it's because i do everything last-minute, but maybe not. after all, i always end up working so late at night, trying to put the finishing touches on everything, wanting to make it just right.i suppose idealism is what describes this constant struggle to reach perfection, to create "the ideal assignment". it hasn't helped me much, because everytime i end up frustrated and unable to enjoy even what good there is in my work. even now as i write this, i'm thinking back and asking myself: has there really been any good things in my work?
but the world is never like that. and no matter how much i try, perfection will never land on my window sill. so perhaps it's time to unsubscribe to idealism and embrace something more down-to-earth. it's not about lowering standards to the point of sloppiness, but setting high standards that are acheivable. but if we never push further and harder and want better quality work, how can we ever grow in our abilities and expand our own boundaries?
so should i still continue trying to cram 26 hours into a 24 hour day, just to try to achieve perfection but fall short every time? or should i just take it a little easier?
stained with coffee at 3:42 AM
Monday, October 03, 2005
Two Poems for the Downtrodden well i'm doing my poet sharing prep now.. and i just came across two really sweet poems (actually more than that but i'd just wanna share two). hopefully they'll lift your spirits as they did mine. they're both by Ella Wheeler Wilcox.Solitude
Laugh and the world laughs with you;
Weep and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has troubles enough of its own;
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air;
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.
Rejoice and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go;
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad and your friends are many,
Be sad, and you lose them all, -
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But you alone must drink life's gall.
Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow isles of pain.
The Wish
Should some great angel say to me to-morrow,
‘Thou must re-tread thy pathway from the start,
But God will grant, in pity, for thy sorrow,
Some one dear wish, the nearest to thy heart.’
This were my wish! from my life’s dim beginning
Let be what has been! wisdom planned the whole;
My want, my woe, my errors, and my sinning,
All, all were needed lessons for my soul.
stained with coffee at 11:05 PM