Sunday, July 24, 2005
(Untitled)
On fri after maths seminar mr wong asked me an interesting qn. We were on the bus going towards holland V for dinner with fuzzy wuzzy and yanheng when the talk suddenly drifted to PSLE results (yeah after 4 years we're still thinking about them like wow) and he asked me why my performance these years sucked so much compared to then. Well he actually phrased it quite politely larh but that's the main gist of the qn.
anw it really got me thinking larh. actually it's really been a question just lurking around in the back of my mind that hasn't ever really been addressed (although it really should have been). i guess on one level it really has been my complacency. like. "oh. i'm good. hah." and so there hasn't really been any effort to really push myself to greater heights and thus i'm slowly becoming rather obsolete. man(4) man(4) de(4) bei(4) tao(2) tai(4). well. and maybe that's the root of the problem? of course there are other reasons right. like my inability to remain focused on what's important, the fact that i don't treat work seriously (which really stems from my bloody big ego) etc etc. i might say my choir commitment this year larh. but truth is it hasn't really been a factor until maybe april. which is really sad. cuz i'm getting all hyped up about really taking charge of things in choir now, and now is so close to the end... saddening. if given the chance in rj chorale (i assume i'd be able to make it there) i think i'd like another shot at this exco business. it's fun. like really. too bad i discovered a like for it so late in rv. anw i'm digressing.
poor work attitude really takes its toll on people doesn't it. some people really just don't give a shit about work. but then i don't really want that to happen to me.. maybe its the lack of o's to push me. but i can't always rely on big tests to push me forward. like the choir. we can't always be complacent and just heck care until stuff like competition comes around and we panic and panic. thing is, even when tests come i panic. and most of the time i don't do ANYTHING about it. which is really really bad. i try to resolve every year to start a fresh, to actually be involved. but it seems to collapse every time. i wonder how life will be like in jc. i mean. if i don't treat work seriously now how am i ever gonna survive there? and with the a's summore. maybe the "big exam" mentality will come over me? but i don't think so.. and i'm afraid to rely on it too.. what if i fail then? what if i just panic but don't do anything? maybe being consistent is really very very important even when the focus is on SA rather than CA. maybe i should have realised it earlier. or maybe i should actually have done something about this realisation. i wonder if it's too late now to help my grades this year. it's sad. everyone keeps telling me i have potential if i work hard. i guess i always just let the first part get to my head and just forget about the second part. saddening indeed.
stained with coffee at 9:18 PM
